I choose light

Where to start...

With all of my pregnancies, I have struggled emotionally. With Robbie it was worse than with Nola, with this baby it is worse than with Robbie. The hyperemisis does not help, but even now that I am feeling better physically, I still feel a dark, empty void inside. To be honest, it really freakin' sucks. My life is beautiful - I couldn't ask for anything more. So why on earth am I SO sad? So angry? So empty?

The answer: hormones.

I have prenatal depression. There, I said it. It's real. It's hard. But I'm going to be OK. Why? Because I choose the light.

In April 2013, our church held its semi-annual General Conference. It is a live broadcast from Salt Lake City, Utah, where the Prophet, apostles and other church leaders address all the members of the church. They share thoughts and lessons on what they feel we need to hear. The Second Counselor of the First Presidency of the Church, Elder Dieter F. Uchdorf, gave the most beautiful talk. His talk is entitled 'The Hope of God's Light,' and it has taught me such a beautiful and basic truth.

There is darkness. There always was, there always is and there always will be. It's a reality. But everything has its opposite, which means there is light. There always was, there always is and there always will be.

WE get to choose where we dwell.

So, I choose light.

There may be much darkness around me...heck, much darkness in me, but I will continue to choose to find the light and dwell there. I love my children, they make me smile everyday. I love Robbie's quirky sense of humor, the way he scrunches up his nose, the fact that he always has time for a Mommy snuggle. I love Nola's capacity to love. Her family and friends means the world to her. She often tells stories about Eva and Eleanor, how they are her best friends and that she loves them. Before bed, she makes special spots for all her babies to sleep in and makes sure we read them all their favourite books. Even though she can challenge me, I know without a shadow of a doubt that she loves me...a lot. I love my husband. Doug is my strength, my companion, my team mate, my best friend. He knows me and loves me - even the parts I wouldn't dare show the rest of the world. He reminds me how to be a kid, how to laugh and roll with the punches. He completes me.

My testimony burns within me. I know God is real. I know He loves me and is mindful of me. I never need to feel alone or lost, even though somedays I choose to. I believe in the Atonement of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I am trying to learn, each and everyday how to apply the Atonement to my heart, to change me and help me grow. I am grateful for my testimony.

Remember, always remember, we choose where we dwell.