I feel a very real need to record my feelings and to share them here, on my blog. This experience has touched my heart and taught me a great, but tough, lesson. It is my hope and prayer, that as my children and their children get older and read through my words, that they may learn as I have.
This past weekend was Stake Conference. Last stake conference, I had the privilege of speaking at the adult session and felt such a power there. Doug and I both resolved to have better attendance for these semi-annual conferences. A month or so back, we went to a fireside for Trek and felt so strongly of God's love for us and also a burning testimony of the mantel our stake presidency holds. The power of that fireside excited Doug and I for the upcoming conference and we were eager to attend.
My loving mother offered to have the kiddos for a sleepover Saturday so we could attend adult session Saturday night and then the Sunday session in peace and quiet. We dropped the kiddos off my Grandma and then went for a walk around Henderson Lake, as we had time to burn. As we walked, we talked at first about how we wanted to skip adult session so we could have a 'proper' date night. But as we walked, we had such a powerful and deep conversation about our spirituality - where we are, where we want to be, what aids us, what holds us back. It was truly beautiful. As we talked, I received the impression that we should, indeed, go to adult session and that it would be the best date for us.
But, I chose not to listen.
We went to Mocha Cabanas, ate a yummy dinner, came home, planned our summer vacation and then watched a movie. It was a wonderful night spent with my darling husband.
Next morning, we woke rather lazily. My stomach was aching and my anxiety was creeping up. I told Doug straight up that I didn't want to go to conference. He wanted to go, and tried to help me feel better about going. At this point, my anxiety was crashing over me like a wave and I really did not want to go. Doug let it go, as he did not want to burden me any further, and we stayed home. We had a lovely morning prayer followed by Trek prep and watching pioneer movies. It was a beautiful and spiritual morning.
As the day progressed and as I spent many hours in the kitchen making stock, bread and dinner, I pondered and prayed. It became very clear to me that even though we did wonderful things this weekend, we did not go to stake conference.
We chose not to follow our promptings.
As that reality hit me, my heart broke. I was in spiritual agony at the realization that I passed up the opportunity to be spiritually fed and guided by my leaders, all for the sake of a 'proper' date and the comfort of home. As I expressed this to Doug, he admitted that he too had felt prompted to go to conference, but ignored it.
So there I was, left to deal with the heartache that resulted 100% from my choices. My immediate thoughts and reaction were 'how could you? Do you not love The Lord? You need to be an example! What blessings have I missed out on? How will I know what president Poytress said? You really screwed up!' As most would, I shrunk at these thoughts and felt like an utter failure. But then, miraculously, a small voice whispered to my soul, 'This is what repentance is for.'
Satan wants me to beat myself up and feel like a failure. He wants me to doubt and question myself and my abilities. He wants me to believe that the road to the Savior is too hard, too long and impossible to travel. HE WANTS ME TO BE MISERABLE!
The Lord wants me to be whole and happy! We wants to fill my bucket, raise me in my weakness and praise me in my strengths. He wants me to have success and really feel it! He wants me to remember His atonement and apply it to my life, everyday! HE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY!
So now again, I choose.
So much of what we do in this life is about our choices. Life does not just happen to us - we need not to be acted upon, but rather exercise the gift of agency that each of us have to live lives of intention. That is what I want, what I desire...to live with intention and choose my path.
I testify, with all of my soul, that God is always there. He is waiting, patiently, for us to open the door and let us Him in. Repentance is the most beautiful gift in all the world! As we ask Him for forgiveness, He removes pain from our hearts and fills it with joy and peace. My sweet, darling children and grand babies, TRUST IN THE SAVIOR AND REPENT. It is the sweetest gift you will ever receive.
In the name of my almighty Savior, advocate and friend, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Kids
Monday, April 10, 2017
Thursday, April 6, 2017
30 before 30 Update #2
Here is my update!!
1. Read the Harry Potter books. UPDATE I am currently 200 pages into The Deathly Hallows. I must say, I am super glad I had this on my list - I have been loving it! With that being said, I found The Order of the Phoenix tough to get through...the first 3/4 were not my favourite. Once they got to the Ministry of Magic, it picked up. Once I am done Deathly Hallows I will read the Cursed Child :)
2. Start my personal history: complete my history journal.
3. Complete a triathlon.
4. Take a family name to the temple.UPDATE I have yet to take MY family name to the temple, however I went and did family names for the first time in my life last week! Christi and I went and did some of Joanne's names. It sparked in me a desire to do my own! Also, at General Conference last weekened, it was mentioned TONS!!! I cant wait to get started!!
5. Learn how to braid my own hair. UPDATE COMPLETE I am pretty fluid at most braids now! French, dutch, ropes and fishtails. Here is a pic of some dutch braids I did.
6. Significantly reduce my wardrobe. UPDATE COMPLETE!
7. Take the family on a luxurious vacation. UPDATE COMPLETE!
8. Try 30 new recipes. UPDATE I have tried
1. Gingerbread cheesecake dip. Verdict - not my fav. I don't really like the taste of molasses.
2. Baked Cranberry Brie. Verdict - this particular recipe had vanilla and brown sugar with the cranberries, so it was quite sweet. I will make it again, however without the sweetness.
3. Broccoli Chicken Divan. Verdict - yum! My mother-in-law makes this, but I had never. It was pretty yummy! This recipe has curry and i love that flavor.
4. Cripsy Tofu Tacos. A-MAZ-ING!!! Even if you don't like tofu, I bet you'll love these!
5. Rice milk. As Doug and I are switching over to organic and whole foods, I have started making my own milk. Rice milk good for cooking, but not on cereal.
6. Coconut milk. This stuff is delish!
7. Crackers. I have been making my own whole wheat crackers and I LOVE them! I season each batch differently with whatever I am in the mood food. Nutritional yeast is probably my favourite seasons.
8. Cinnamon Raisin Bread. I got a Bosch, which is a post in itself (YAY), so I have been making more breads. I make whole wheat cinnamon raisin bread with freshly ground wheat from my new grain mill (DOUBLE YAY!)
9. Crusty french bread. Ummm....my family may have embarked on a new addiction to this...
10. Thai Turkey Cakes. YUM! Ground turkey, ginger, garlic, spinach, tumeric. Holy deliciousness.
11. Granola. I have been adding candied ginger which gives it a little punch, which I love! It is also a great way to get my kiddos to eat seeds.
12. Winter Squash chowder. Super hearty, warming and filling! I add chickpeas and corn, which give it some texture. It is super yum!
9. Print my blog books.
10. Organize a service project. We often do these within our church, however I would like to do one on my own, inviting my own circle of friends to assist me.
11. Learn how to play 30 songs on the piano. UPDATE I have been thinking that I might just scrap this one. I really have no interest in reading music right now. I have been playing my guitar ALOT and that has been filling my soul. So, with that being said, I am going to change #11 to 'Write a new piano piece'.
12. Write a new song. UPDATE COMPLETE! I wrote a song about my battle with depression and anxiety. Its pretty intense and raw. I haven't been able to write a song like that in years. Big props to Simone for pushing me to do it!
13. Host a fancy dinner party.
14. Bring my children to see live music.
15. Explore Lethbridge. There are tons of little shops, little restaurants, museums and galleries that I have never stepped foot in!!! Let's see what our town has to offer!
16. Take a spin class.
17. Write a letter to each of my children for them to open on their 30th birthday.
18. Climb a mountain. It doesn't matter which one, where it is, or how big it is. I just want to hike one.
19. Wear no make up. UPDATE COMPLETE!
21. Watch my favorite movies from my youth. Wayne's world, biodome, sword in the stone, the great panda adventure, Beethoven's second, Dracula: Dead and loving it.
22. Play scatagories with Ali.
23. Grow a herb garden.
24. Read a history book. I know very little about any kind of history, so it doesn't matter what kind of history I read about.
25. Face a fear: shoot a gun.
26. Write a letter to President Monson or any General Authority.
27. Ask 30 different women about their 'story' and record them. UPDATE This is one I am going to alter. I wanted to 'interview' women, however I have been getting to really know a lot of people lately and I do not feel a need to record what I have learned. As I have opened myself up and allowed myself to become vulnerable, many people around me have too. I have learned SO much from SO many! I don't ever want to mark this one 'COMPLETE', as I hope to be able to hear peoples stories for the rest of my life. So, in the future, I will refer to #27 as 'Continue to encourage others to share their stories'.
28. Watch a live sports event.
30. Play my guitar and sing for some of my friends. UPDATE COMPLETE! I went over for dinner at Julie and Vern's while Dougie was in Quebec. While there, Vern pulled out his guitar and we both played. It was lovely :) I also auctioned off a jam session at our wards service auction, so I'll be playing Norman for Diana too!
1. Read the Harry Potter books. UPDATE I am currently 200 pages into The Deathly Hallows. I must say, I am super glad I had this on my list - I have been loving it! With that being said, I found The Order of the Phoenix tough to get through...the first 3/4 were not my favourite. Once they got to the Ministry of Magic, it picked up. Once I am done Deathly Hallows I will read the Cursed Child :)
2. Start my personal history: complete my history journal.
3. Complete a triathlon.
4. Take a family name to the temple.UPDATE I have yet to take MY family name to the temple, however I went and did family names for the first time in my life last week! Christi and I went and did some of Joanne's names. It sparked in me a desire to do my own! Also, at General Conference last weekened, it was mentioned TONS!!! I cant wait to get started!!
5. Learn how to braid my own hair. UPDATE COMPLETE I am pretty fluid at most braids now! French, dutch, ropes and fishtails. Here is a pic of some dutch braids I did.
7. Take the family on a luxurious vacation. UPDATE COMPLETE!
8. Try 30 new recipes. UPDATE I have tried
1. Gingerbread cheesecake dip. Verdict - not my fav. I don't really like the taste of molasses.
2. Baked Cranberry Brie. Verdict - this particular recipe had vanilla and brown sugar with the cranberries, so it was quite sweet. I will make it again, however without the sweetness.
3. Broccoli Chicken Divan. Verdict - yum! My mother-in-law makes this, but I had never. It was pretty yummy! This recipe has curry and i love that flavor.
4. Cripsy Tofu Tacos. A-MAZ-ING!!! Even if you don't like tofu, I bet you'll love these!
5. Rice milk. As Doug and I are switching over to organic and whole foods, I have started making my own milk. Rice milk good for cooking, but not on cereal.
6. Coconut milk. This stuff is delish!
7. Crackers. I have been making my own whole wheat crackers and I LOVE them! I season each batch differently with whatever I am in the mood food. Nutritional yeast is probably my favourite seasons.
8. Cinnamon Raisin Bread. I got a Bosch, which is a post in itself (YAY), so I have been making more breads. I make whole wheat cinnamon raisin bread with freshly ground wheat from my new grain mill (DOUBLE YAY!)
9. Crusty french bread. Ummm....my family may have embarked on a new addiction to this...
10. Thai Turkey Cakes. YUM! Ground turkey, ginger, garlic, spinach, tumeric. Holy deliciousness.
11. Granola. I have been adding candied ginger which gives it a little punch, which I love! It is also a great way to get my kiddos to eat seeds.
12. Winter Squash chowder. Super hearty, warming and filling! I add chickpeas and corn, which give it some texture. It is super yum!
9. Print my blog books.
10. Organize a service project. We often do these within our church, however I would like to do one on my own, inviting my own circle of friends to assist me.
11. Learn how to play 30 songs on the piano. UPDATE I have been thinking that I might just scrap this one. I really have no interest in reading music right now. I have been playing my guitar ALOT and that has been filling my soul. So, with that being said, I am going to change #11 to 'Write a new piano piece'.
12. Write a new song. UPDATE COMPLETE! I wrote a song about my battle with depression and anxiety. Its pretty intense and raw. I haven't been able to write a song like that in years. Big props to Simone for pushing me to do it!
13. Host a fancy dinner party.
14. Bring my children to see live music.
15. Explore Lethbridge. There are tons of little shops, little restaurants, museums and galleries that I have never stepped foot in!!! Let's see what our town has to offer!
16. Take a spin class.
17. Write a letter to each of my children for them to open on their 30th birthday.
18. Climb a mountain. It doesn't matter which one, where it is, or how big it is. I just want to hike one.
19. Wear no make up. UPDATE COMPLETE!
21. Watch my favorite movies from my youth. Wayne's world, biodome, sword in the stone, the great panda adventure, Beethoven's second, Dracula: Dead and loving it.
22. Play scatagories with Ali.
23. Grow a herb garden.
24. Read a history book. I know very little about any kind of history, so it doesn't matter what kind of history I read about.
25. Face a fear: shoot a gun.
26. Write a letter to President Monson or any General Authority.
27. Ask 30 different women about their 'story' and record them. UPDATE This is one I am going to alter. I wanted to 'interview' women, however I have been getting to really know a lot of people lately and I do not feel a need to record what I have learned. As I have opened myself up and allowed myself to become vulnerable, many people around me have too. I have learned SO much from SO many! I don't ever want to mark this one 'COMPLETE', as I hope to be able to hear peoples stories for the rest of my life. So, in the future, I will refer to #27 as 'Continue to encourage others to share their stories'.
28. Watch a live sports event.
30. Play my guitar and sing for some of my friends. UPDATE COMPLETE! I went over for dinner at Julie and Vern's while Dougie was in Quebec. While there, Vern pulled out his guitar and we both played. It was lovely :) I also auctioned off a jam session at our wards service auction, so I'll be playing Norman for Diana too!
Elmo Party!
For Nola's birthday party, Grandma took her to Party City to buy decorations. If you have ever been in Party City, you know there is darn near any theme you could possibly have! I was certain it would come down to either Trolls or Pokemon. To my surprise, when she came in the door she had a bag full Elmo stuff! Nola had an Elmo party for her 2nd birthday as well!
My mom, Pat, Nickie and Cola all came to give me a hand, which was much appreciated! Birthday parties are not my favourite... In the end, it was a great day filled with friends and laughter. How lovely it is to see my girl with her friends :)
Happy Birthday Nola!
My mom, Pat, Nickie and Cola all came to give me a hand, which was much appreciated! Birthday parties are not my favourite... In the end, it was a great day filled with friends and laughter. How lovely it is to see my girl with her friends :)
Happy Birthday Nola!
Nola is 7!!!
How has this happened?!? My baby! My first born! 7?! Wow...time flies.
Dougie was in Quebec for Nola's birthday, which was pretty hard on her, however we tried to make the day extra special for her! She woke to presents and chocolate chip pancakes! The boys gave her 'three cheers' and she loved that. At school that day, she had 'scientists in the classroom' and got to do a bunch of fun experiments.
That evening, Grandpa, Nana and Papa came over for dinner. Pizza and ceaser salad - Nola's request! She then got to open a few more gifts and had so much fun playing with her grandparents.
My dear Nola, how deep my love is for you. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are full of life and have such a passion for all you do! You are a loving sister, giving friend and the best daughter I could have ever dreamed of. It is a privileged to watch you grow and learn. I love you, my sweet sis!
Dougie was in Quebec for Nola's birthday, which was pretty hard on her, however we tried to make the day extra special for her! She woke to presents and chocolate chip pancakes! The boys gave her 'three cheers' and she loved that. At school that day, she had 'scientists in the classroom' and got to do a bunch of fun experiments.
That evening, Grandpa, Nana and Papa came over for dinner. Pizza and ceaser salad - Nola's request! She then got to open a few more gifts and had so much fun playing with her grandparents.
My dear Nola, how deep my love is for you. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are full of life and have such a passion for all you do! You are a loving sister, giving friend and the best daughter I could have ever dreamed of. It is a privileged to watch you grow and learn. I love you, my sweet sis!
Family Day and Wilbur!
For Family Day this year, we went to the activities over at the Community Centre with Carol and Ada! The kiddos had a blast! Nola and Rob were very excited to get their faces painted and John loved the sandbox :) Nola ran into her classmate, Daniel, and they decided to get matching cheetah faces. It was a wonderful day.
Very exciting news for the Irwins - they got a dog!!! For FHE on night back in February, the kiddos and Doug went to go meet him. I was sick and couldnt go, but the kiddos love him. Truthfully, he is super adorable! Nola keeps bugging us about getting a dog, but that wont be happening anytime soon!
Very exciting news for the Irwins - they got a dog!!! For FHE on night back in February, the kiddos and Doug went to go meet him. I was sick and couldnt go, but the kiddos love him. Truthfully, he is super adorable! Nola keeps bugging us about getting a dog, but that wont be happening anytime soon!
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