Choices

I feel a very real need to record my feelings and to share them here, on my blog. This experience has touched my heart and taught me a great, but tough, lesson. It is my hope and prayer, that as my children and their children get older and read through my words, that they may learn as I have.

This past weekend was Stake Conference. Last stake conference, I had the privilege of speaking at the adult session and felt such a power there. Doug and I both resolved to have better attendance for these semi-annual conferences. A month or so back, we went to a fireside for Trek and felt so strongly of God's love for us and also a burning testimony of the mantel our stake presidency holds. The power of that fireside excited Doug and I for the upcoming conference and we were eager to attend.

My loving mother offered to have the kiddos for a sleepover Saturday so we could attend adult session Saturday night and then the Sunday session in peace and quiet. We dropped the kiddos off my Grandma and then went for a walk around Henderson Lake, as we had time to burn. As we walked, we talked at first about how we wanted to skip adult session so we could have a 'proper' date night. But as we walked, we had such a powerful and deep conversation about our spirituality - where we are, where we want to be, what aids us, what holds us back. It was truly beautiful. As we talked, I received the impression that we should, indeed, go to adult session and that it would be the best date for us.

But, I chose not to listen.

We went to Mocha Cabanas, ate a yummy dinner, came home, planned our summer vacation and then watched a movie. It was a wonderful night spent with my darling husband.

Next morning, we woke rather lazily. My stomach was aching and my anxiety was creeping up. I told Doug straight up that I didn't want to go to conference. He wanted to go, and tried to help me feel better about going. At this point, my anxiety was crashing over me like a wave and I really did not want to go. Doug let it go, as he did not want to burden me any further, and we stayed home. We had a lovely morning prayer followed by Trek prep and watching pioneer movies. It was a beautiful and spiritual morning.

As the day progressed and as I spent many hours in the kitchen making stock, bread and dinner, I pondered and prayed. It became very clear to me that even though we did wonderful things this weekend, we did not go to stake conference.

We chose not to follow our promptings.

As that reality hit me, my heart broke. I was in spiritual agony at the realization that I passed up the opportunity to be spiritually fed and guided by my leaders, all for the sake of a 'proper' date and the comfort of home. As I expressed this to Doug, he admitted that he too had felt prompted to go to conference, but ignored it.

So there I was, left to deal with the heartache that resulted 100% from my choices. My immediate thoughts and reaction were 'how could you? Do you not love The Lord? You need to be an example! What blessings have I missed out on? How will I know what president Poytress said? You really screwed up!' As most would, I shrunk at these thoughts and felt like an utter failure. But then, miraculously, a small voice whispered to my soul, 'This is what repentance is for.'

Satan wants me to beat myself up and feel like a failure. He wants me to doubt and question myself and my abilities. He wants me to believe that the road to the Savior is too hard, too long and impossible to travel. HE WANTS ME TO BE MISERABLE!

The Lord wants me to be whole and happy! We wants to fill my bucket, raise me in my weakness and praise me in my strengths. He wants me to have success and really feel it! He wants me to remember His atonement and apply it to my life, everyday! HE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY!

So now again, I choose.

So much of what we do in this life is about our choices. Life does not just happen to us - we need not to be acted upon, but rather exercise the gift of agency that each of us have to live lives of intention. That is what I want, what I desire...to live with intention and choose my path.

I testify, with all of my soul, that God is always there. He is waiting, patiently, for us to open the door and let us Him in. Repentance is the most beautiful gift in all the world! As we ask Him for forgiveness, He removes pain from our hearts and fills it with joy and peace. My sweet, darling children and grand babies, TRUST IN THE SAVIOR AND REPENT. It is the sweetest gift you will ever receive.

In the name of my almighty Savior, advocate and friend, Jesus Christ. Amen.