Forward

...I find it ironic that I am writing this just days after my last post. In 'humbled' I talked about how priveldged I am to be able to truly love, to be able to open my heart and my soul to others. But with  that, it also makes me quite vulnerable.

Tonight, I am vulnerable.

I don't handle hurt well. I mean, does anyone? I struggle so deeply with my feelings. I want to be a good person. I want to feel love and peace towards everyone, all the time. And to be truthful, for about 98% of the people I have met so far in my life, this has been remarkably easy for me. But 98% is not 100%.  

After much soul searching, I have to come the conclusion that feeling love towards every single human being I encounter, all the time, is impossible. So, if it is impossible, why do I still hold myself to this unachievable standard? Logically, I know I am human, and with that, I will feel the whole spectrum of emotions. I will feel hateful and loving, angry and elated, hurt and whole, frustrated and calm, confused and understanding, disappointed and proud, impatient and tolerant, jealous and grateful, and every other emotion under the sun.  Handling these emotions within myself is not so bad. Handling them when they are towards others? Well, that's a whole other story.

I have never had an enemy. Never. In high school, I had my posse of great friends, however I also floated from group to group, hanging out with everyone. Even today, at work and church, it's the same story. I really am friends with darn near everyone! Whether we grew up together or if I just met you for the first time, we are friends. This is one of the greatest blessings in my life - the ability to connect with others. So what happens when there is no connection? Or worst of all, if there was a connection, but then through actions by either side of the relationship (or both) it has now been severed?

Well, the worst has happened, and truthfully, I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it.

I am hurt, and I'm not sure how process that. When one is hurt, so many different emotions come out to play. Anger, confusion, disappointment and dispair have been the front runners for me in this particular case, but you know who continues to take centre stage over and over again? 

Fear. 

I am scared...so scared to open my heart again, to allow this relationship back into my life. I am like a beaten dog - hiding under the porch with its tail between its legs, willing to starve to death rather than leave it's shelter and face the potential wrath of its owner. This fear is debilitating. 

Luckily, the truth has been taught to me that faith and fear cannot co-exist. So, if I want the fear to go away, I need faith. But that has left a huge question for me: faith in what? 

Faith in God? Faith in the relationship? Faith in the other person? Faith in myself?

My faith in God sustains me through all life's challenges - including this one. It gives me strength, perspective, resolution and determination to be better, to do better. But is this the only faith I need to overcome this particular trial?

This may just be the fear talking, but I find it incomprehensible to have faith in a relationship that has pierced the deepest wounds through my heart. I mean, how does one truly recover from that? Even after one recovers, how do you jump back in to that particular relationship again? Having faith in this relationship just screams in the face of logic.

As for faith in the other person, I must make one thing clear. I do not hate this person. I do not wish them any ill feelings. Truthfully, I love this person. Lots. I love this person more than many, and I think that's why it is so hard. I have not lost faith in him or her as a person, maybe just faith that things can be different...that we could be close once again.

And then there is faith in myself. Faith that I can navigate these uncharted waters sucessfully, that I can make the best decisions and not be the one left at the end with egg on my face. Faith that I am doing the right thing...for myself, for my family, for this other person and for God.

Long story short, I still have no idea what I am doing. But with faith - which ever  faith that may be - I will move forward, out of the darkness and into the light.