Kids

Kids

Monday, July 10, 2017

Truth

I have so much on my brain. It is 12:59 and I should be sleeping, however my thoughts are racing. I need to get them out...to let them pour. I need to wail and vent and gnash my teeth. I need to weep and sulk and embrace the darkness. I need to ponder and reflect and have gratitude to my God. I need it all. Right now.

***DISCLAIMER: I am going to get very real here and talk about things that may be hard to to hear. If you are not up for hearing the wailings of my heart, don't continue to read***

Life is so...so...ugh, I don't even know the word. It's so blissfully good and so freaking horrible. Trials are real. I have been watching the people I love as they struggle through their trials and fight for their freedom. I was there, not too long ago, and the time has come for me to get candid and share that.

Last fall, as school started and all the pressures that come along with it, I began to crack. I 'held it together' for a few months on sheer grit and determination, but inevitably the flow became too strong and I could no longer fight the current. When that wave hit me, I shattered. Into a million pieces, everything that I thought I knew washed down stream and I was left drowning. Thinking back to that time takes the air from my chest...my heart races and the anxiety grips my heart. I can't believe I survived it. I was certain I was left for dead. Life became so black, so dark. Thick, like tar, it sucked me in and drug me down. The only way for release was death, to allow my lips to slip beneath the surface...there was no way I could survive another moment on earth.

At 16 years of age and then again at age 29, I tried to take my own life. That is my struggle - suicidal ideation.

Through the amazing support of my family, I did not have to go back to the psych ward at the hospital. Doug took time off work and my mom came and lived with me while I was on 24 hour watch. I very literally was fighting for my life...just as one who has a physical illness would. It was months and months of intensive counselling, support and grace. There were many days where I literally couldn't get out of bed - the anxiety anchored me to the floor, fear seizing my shoulders. The house was cleared of all objects that I could use to hurt myself with, so I would formulate plans of how to take my life beyond the walls of my home. I hated everything, most prominently myself. I was completely and utterly destroyed. There was no grace. There was no redemption. Not for me, anyways.

But, really, there was grace. That tar was so real...oh man, so real. It pulled at me and tried to rob me of my last breath, however I was always able to keep my lips above the surface. I clung, with all my animalistic grit, to the iron rod, trusting that God would not forget the promises we have made and His grace kept me alive. It kept me from succumbing to the darkness because trust me, I wanted to. I still do. I still crave death. I am carnal and human and I want the easy way out, however it is through God that I can overcome that natural state and prevail.

While enduring the hardships of this 'winter' of my life, I have learned. That learning has been felt in my sinews and embedded in my soul. I have learned a lot about what I actually want out of life and in contrast, what I really couldn't care less about. I have learned who I can really trust and how to pull those people in close to me. I have learned that just because you are family, that doesn't necessarily mean anything...that my village is my family, and it consists of a few people whom I trust and respect, regardless of blood or marital ties. I am learning to say 'no' and be perfectly ok with that. I am learning that it's not only tolerable to take care of myself, but an absolute privilege. I am learning to live in the moment, embrace the good and to let life fill my bucket, not just drain it.

Most of all, I am learning of how deep, how intense and how real our Heavenly Father's love truly is. I am learning what it ACTUALLY means to say that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I am learning that the Holy Ghost is very literally my companion and that I genuinely want to live my life in accordance to God's laws to keep him as such. I am learning that the ordinances of the temple are absolutely crucial to success and joy in this life. I am learning. A lot.

I feel it imperative to not only express my gratitude to my Father on Heaven, but also to some of the few members of my village, who have allowed me to lean heavily into you during this long, hard season.

My mother. Oh mom, what would I ever do without you. You listen to me talk all the time about me wanting to move away and be independent, but heck, what would I do without you? You are always here for me. To listen to me ramble on and on about my 'to-do' list and then help me put the pieces together to have a successful day. To empathize with me about the challenges of being a wife and a mother. To watch Jimmy Fallon with and laugh ourselves stupid. To paint my toenails, make me a lasagne or buy me a Pepsi. You are an absolute treasure and gem to my soul. Mom, I absolute adore you.

Melissa, I'm not sure what to say. When I tried to take my life as a teenager, I quickly discovered who my real friends were and who weren't, and I guess the same thing happened again. You stood by me. You are still standing by me. Heck, yesterday you were literally right there behind me, helping me climb a mountain!! And I guess that, right there, is exactly how I feel. You couldn't 'climb the mountain' for me, but you were always there, right behind me, encouraging me the whole way. I remember, when things were really bad, you made me dinner - Salmon and beets. My favourites. That touched my soul and reminded me that there are people out there who truly did know me and that cared. Thank you, my sweet friend.

Julie. If I didn't already have a testimony on the divinity of Visiting Teaching, I certainly would now. I do not doubt, for one second, that God placed us in each others path at the time He did so we could support one another. He knew we needed each other. You and I are connected far beyond this mortal experience...we are very literally sisters in Zion. Your presence in my life has made all the difference. I am privileged to have you in my village.

Simone, my oldest friend. How has our friendship survived this many years? How is it that you are still the one I turn to, after all this time? It's love and respect. I friggen love you. So so much. And I respect you. I respect your thoughts, ideas, advice and counsel. I really know you and know your heart, and with that I trust that you would never lead me astray. I trust that you are trying to reach your Heavenly Father, just like I am. Our paths are in tandem - we are seeking God. And we will continue to find Him, on our own and together. Thank you, gosh thank you for just simply being you.

Doug. Oh, my heart. My love. My best friend. Every word I have expressed to the people above can be applied to you and multiplied by infinity. You are my everything...oh, my everything. Our marriage is bound by covenants, the promises we have made to each other and to our God. Through years of work, love, trust and effort, those covenants have formed ties so intricate, so tightly woven and intertwined that even the heaviest of loads have been able to be buoyed. As we are coming out the other side of this, we are stronger, together. Team Walton, baby.

And of course, my thanks to my Savior. Jesus truly has been my advocate. He has advocated my cause with the Father, he has pleaded on my behalf and I have felt of his love, concern and his absolute hope in me. He has been there, every step of the way. I am so grateful for the commandants His father, our Father, has given us. By following them, I have survived. There is no other explanation. I have not only survived physically, but spiritually as well. My testimony of The Father and The Son is imprinted in my tissues and runs through my veins. I will always be your witness!

There are others who have helped and influenced me through this journey, and my gratitude is theirs as well.

Well, that's it. It's now 2:34am and that felt so good to get off my chest. I'm going to close with one of my favourite quotes

"For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, it's insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction."

2 comments:

  1. Wow Jess. That's intense. I'm sorry that you've had to go through that, twice even. I have definitely felt a darkness and weight pushing me down at times in my life and it is awful and scary. I am so happy that you have a village who is always there for you. You are strong, and beautiful, and very capable of doing hard things. You are a light to so many people, me included. Keep on swimming friend. This journey is hard, scary, beautiful, and amazing. We'll all get there, we just have to keep on swimming :) Thanks for sharing your story.

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  2. Your expression of words has always awed me. My heart aches for you that you have to go through this. I'm so glad you have all those wonderful people around you. I know you help and lift them as well and that makes for true deep friendships. Thanks for sharing.

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