Where I have been

it has been a long time since I had posted on here. To be truthful, I have sat down at my computer many times trying to type out my next blog post. I want to keep things chronological, so the pressure has been to continue blogging about the trip to California. Now don't get me wrong, California was amazing and I want to continue telling that story, but so much has happened since then.

In my devotional journal, I put no pressure on myself to say or write certain things; to stay on any sort of timeline or path. I just try to follow my heart and share whatever it is that I needed in that moment. I want to do the same here.

Upon our return from our pioneer trek, I was greeted by my father. From the second I saw his face I knew something was wrong. Immediately after our embrace, I asked him what had happened ... what was wrong? At first I thought it was my grandma, but he comforted me and told me that she was OK. My next thought went to my nephew, who was in euturo and 35 weeks gestation. Maybe he was born and in the NICU, but he would be ok because he was far enough along to be "viable". My father interrupted those thoughts when he passed me the cell phone. I looked at it and saw that it was AJ who was on the other line. When I put the phone up to my ear and I said "hello" my sweet brother replied that he and Sarah had lost the baby. Gunnar had no heartbeat. It was as if in that moment, a trap door underneath my feet flung open. I was free falling into the darkest, blackest abiss.

I have no intentions at this time to share with you the details of what has followed, but suffice it to say that these past two months have been filled with grief. Grief has been new to me. Fortunately, I have all of my adult life without having anyone close to me passed away. My grandfather Joe and my Nana Alice passed away when I was younger, but I didn't understand. It didn't impact me. I didn't grieve. With Gunnar's passing, however, I have been ripped open. The intensity of grief is not for the faint of heart. As time progresses and as I continue to heal from my grief I hope that I can open up and share some of the things I've experienced, but at this point I cannot. I am learning to have grace for myself as a navigate these uncharted waters.

So, how do I go on writing about California when my nephew is gone? How do I share the details of trek when it is upon that trek that my family was at home suffering? I don't know. I don't really know how to talk about the summer without feeling such intense pain, so my plan at this point is to just pick up where I am now. Focus on where we, the waltons, are at now. I pray that my family, including myself, can strive to do that in all aspects of our life: to just pick up where we are now and progress.